Monday, October 29, 2012

The First Post is the Hardest Post

I’m starting a new endeavor; I’m going to be a food blogger! Scanning through the exhaustive list of blogs I regularly read, I see that a lot of them revolve around food. I need to get in on that business. Let’s see, according to “How to blog about everything and be successful” (A forthcoming book in my new series, “How to *insert thing here* and be successful”)

The author suggests the following things:

-Use large, pretentious sounding words when describing your recipe
-Take many many pictures of the entire process
-Use awesome angles when photographing things so people will think “oh man, they must REALLY be awesome”
-Use only the highest quality ingredients and pots and pans regardless of budget, you are TRYING to be successful after all
-Post your blog link exhaustively on every social media site you can find, leave links to your blog on every blog you can comment on, and tell passersby at the library, star bucks, etc about your amazing blog-hand out business cards with the address on it-remember cost is nothing when it comes to the success you’ll garner with this blog.

Today we’ll be making the most stupendous, scrumtralescent enriched semolina macaroni and full dairy cheese. (large, pretentious sounding words as descriptors? CHECK)

Your ingredient list is as follows:
*One pound of pasta. If you’re a REAL cook, you’ll buy  yourself a pasta machine and make the pasta by hand, only slackers use boxed pasta. HOWEVER if you have to buy your pasta (slacker) Try to go to a specialty store, they’re really expensive there. I’d suggest Williams-Sonoma as they are my favorite expensive specialty store to go to.

*2 cups of whole fat, organically raised, non pasteurized milk fresh from YOUR cow. Can’t get it from the cow (see above, SLACKER) any milk will be fine, I suppose.

*Cheese, lots and lots of cheese. Go to a specialty store and spend about $20 per pound on parmesan cheese-you’ll only use about a quarter of a cup of it, so feel free to send the leftover cheese to me. You’ll need a pound of grated cheddar cheese. Preferably cheese you either a) made yourself b) bought from a local dairy or c) cheese from a grocery store (remember only slackers do things like buy ingredients from chain stores)

*Flour, around a cup. Only whole grain, ground at home flour will work in this recipe, if you don’t have that, you’re sol and will need to use store bought flour.

*One stick of butter, preferably European unsalted butter that costs around $8 per pound. If you don’t want to pay for the best, you’re not going to eat the best, I’m just saying.

*Salt and pepper (I’m sorry I don’t have anything jerky to say here, salt and pepper are salt and pepper)

First, cook your pasta al dente. If you don’t know what al dente means, you probably shouldn’t be making pasta. While your pasta drains, start making a roux, again, if you are not familiar with the word roux, go get yourself some kraft mac and cheese and go from there. While your butter melts, sprinkle flour over it to thicken it. Add milk in gradual increments to make a nice  milky roux. You’ll add a bit of salt and pepper to taste then start to melt your cheese into the milk roux. At this point, it’s good to start taking many many pictures. You’ll want to be able to post this on your OWN food blog after successfully making it. As your milk mixture gets cheesier, taste it to be sure it’s properly seasoned, I like to add a little bit of garlic at this point, but that’s because I have rather refined taste buds.

Mix in your pasta, it should be creamy and gooey and delicious looking. Try not to eat it all from the pot you savage. After it’s mixed well, put it into a 9 by 13 pan that’s been buttered. You can put breadcrumbs on top if you’d like or another layer of cheese. Bake it at 350 until the top is bubbly and golden. Try to take at least seven or eight pictures of the mac and cheese as it cooks (again, for YOUR blog) Remove it from the oven and serve it on your finest china with the best silver you can find. Pair it with a green salad made of your own organically grown ingredients and a nice crusty bread or foccacia that you, of course, made yourself.

Ok, so it would appear that I’ve followed the steps to a t, now to promote this entry exhaustively and become a successful food blogger. Why are you laughing? There are successful food bloggers out there. Stay tuned for my next how to entry, when I teach you how to start your own photography business from your house using free programs to edit your “work”

*Please note that while I advocate taking multiple artsy photos of your cooking process I rarely do it because I am a hot mess in the kitchen, but please remember to be the most successful food blogger ever, you'll need pictures

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