I did say I was going to try to update more and here we go :)
Tonight I went with a friend to see the move "Labor Day" based on the book I read a few weeks ago by Joyce Maynard. This post won't spoil the movie or the books, no worries there. The book was excellent however I'd say the movie was infinitely better than the book actually, mostly because of the way the book was written, it left things open to interpretation for a screen writer and it worked well.
So in the story, the main character has been experiencing multiple miscarriages; the first time it happened she said she awoke to cramps and as "I sat there, I felt something tiny slip away and all I could think was, 'if only, if only I could have held on just a little tighter' and the times it happened after that, I woke to the feeling of betrayal by my own body"
AND that, my friends, is when I turned in to a sobbing mess.
I have had more than one miscarriage and, of course, Gabriel was born with a disability and I've always felt...something. A type of grief I couldn't put in to words; a betrayal by my own body, something that no one could have prepared me for. I literally had no words for the way I have felt for the last 12 years until now.
I sat in the dark theater crying silently, trying to catch my breath and not let on to anyone near me that my heart was literally breaking and healing at the same time. I sort of tuned out the movie for a moment and became aware that there were other women in the same space as me crying for the same reasons...and suddenly it didn't feel like such a damn burden to be carrying anymore.
Why are we not talking to each other about these things? Why are women not telling each other these things after we lose pregnancies and have complications with pregnancies and give birth to children whom we love with all of our hearts but came with challenges that we definitely not prepared to deal with? Why do bear this sort of grief by ourselves? Why do we feel like we HAVE to bear this quietly and go about our days damaged? Why can't we speak freely about the pain these things cause?
Why? Because we are told that it happens "commonly" that "lots of women have it happen". We are told "it's 'god's' will" and that it wasn't "really a child so why are you upset?" We are made to feel that we are not allowed to feel this grief, this pain, this BETRAYAL by our VERY OWN BODIES because it happens all the time...but that doesn't make it any less real. That doesn't make it any less painful, and that doesn't make anyone feel any better about it.
So this is what I am saying to you tonight, if your heart is heavy because of pregnancy loss or a child with a disability and you need someone who knows what it feels like to listen, I am here. I will listen and I will not tell you "it's meant to be" or "it's 'god's' will" I will listen to you...and listen some more. I will tell you that you are not alone, I will tell you that it doesn't matter if it was a month ago, a year ago, or twenty years ago. Grief is grief, no matter how fresh that wound is. No one should go through this sort of thing alone.